Pants 0. Shit 1.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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