I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
