please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
