I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
