laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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