Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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