I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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