I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize