I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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