I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
NoShamevember. You game?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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