u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
