He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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