I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
