Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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