Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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