She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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