get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
