Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
