just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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