happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
