they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well I just put wine in my tea
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
