I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
