So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
