I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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