I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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