Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
