o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize