I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
