You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm always down for nudity.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
