if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
