fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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