I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
