Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
