I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
