Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
