Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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