guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
