I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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