Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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