Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
