You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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