Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
