WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
