Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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