i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
