just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
