My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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