help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I am spending my child support on dildos
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
