It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
