I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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