Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
