mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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