What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
