Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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