If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
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