I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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