Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
