dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
do herpes really smell.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
