I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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