i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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